How to support someone who is grieving?
By June Cerza Kolf
Bill of rights of the Bereaved. |
- Do not make me do anything I do not wish to do.
- Let me cry
- Allow me to talk about the deceased
- Do not force me to make quick decisions.
- Be patient with me even when my behavior appears strange.
- Let me see that you are grieving too.
- When I am angry, do not discount it.
- DO not speak to me in platitudes [dullness/ flatness].
- Listen to me, please!
- Forgive my trespasses [for intruding], my rudeness and my thoughtlessness.
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- Let the bereaved person speak about the death. Ask simple questions without probing beyond anything they wish to offer.
- Do not interrupt to share a similar story.
- The greatest time of need would be 1-week later, when his family returned to their own home.
- Make specific dates to meet later, so that they have something to look forward to.
- When writing sympathy card, if you know anything about the deceased, include a fond memory.
- Be specific instead of general: Instead of “How are you doing?” ask “ It must be difficult being alone after all these years. How are you getting along so far?”
Personal Contact: It is important to make contact as soon as possible when you have heard of a death. Don’t wait. They need support especially when death first occurs. “At first, I felt let down & disappointed in friends and relatives who did not respond at my time of grief. Hindsight has shown me that those particular people would not have been able to cope with my sorrow.
Some parents, instead of holding each other up, they pull each other down because they are too weak. So our immediate support is important.
Offering condolences: There are no pat speeches and no perfect words. Just speak from the heart.
How to avoid clichés |
| What not to say | What to say |
| Time heals everything | You must feel as if this pain will never end. |
| Try to look for the good in this situation | This is just too painful to bear |
| Your loved one is better off | Your loved one is not longer suffering, but I know you certainly are |
| The Lord never gives us more than we can handle. | This must be so very hard for you. |
| Try not to cry. | It’s OK to cry. Cry as much as you need to. |
| I know just how you feel. | I can’t even imagine how you must feel. Just know how much I care. |
| Everything will be okay | Please let me help however I can. |
| Let me know if I can do anything. | I’ll call tomorrow to see how I can help. |
“I’m so very sorry” is better than clichés. Or you can simply admit and say, “Oh, that wasn’t what I meant to say to you at all. O just feel so awkward and I hurt so much for you.” Honesty is always appreciated.
Loss of a child. “Be grateful for the time you had with little Johnny” Is not a positive statement. It is more appropriate to tell the couple you will miss the joy the child brought and that you heart aches for them. There; no need to feel embarrassed if you cry in their presence. It will only reassure them you truly care.
Violent death [suicide, murder]. Don’t ask Why? As if they knew. The details are not important. Adress the devastation, pain, loss and guilt.
AIDS. Families may feel shunned & privacy intruded. They may feel stigmatized and feel as if an explanation is needed.
Make it clear that the tragedy of the loss is more important than the details of how it happened. Let family know that you u/stand they are experiencing extra pain. Do not ask for details unless the offered. As important as what to say, is what not to say. Studies who that one of the best ways to work thru grief is to talk about it. Grieving people need their friends to listen while they talk away their grief.
Employers and Employees. Frequently co-workers ignore they fact that a death has occurred. Because people are afraid to remind the griever of the death & create discomfort, they don’t mention it. Death is the main thing on the griever’s mind and no one else has to mention it to remind the griever. Not mentioning the death only makes the grieving person feel isolated and abandoned.
