Brian Nandy Counseling              

Perhaps the only thing worse than being betrayed is being betrayed by someone who can no longer attempt to make amends. Taken separately, death and betrayal are hard in every sense of the word: Hard to endure. Hard to accept. Hard to understand. But intertwined, they present a complex kind of misery and challenges of their own: is it possible to punish, forgive, or even come to terms with someone who will never hear you ask: Why did  you do this to me? What else don’t I know?  Carole Brody Fleet reports that shock is often experienced as I am so stupid/ dumb/ blind. How could I have not known about this?

When you discover that your partner has been unfaithful, you experience a PTSD-type response that is not simply a loss of trust but a basic loss of self (Janis Abraham Spring). One also experiences a loss of a sense of specialness. Then comes a profound loss of faith – in God, in karma, in justice. The recipient of the secret will ride the waves of grief: sadness, intense fear about the future, occasional relief, and regret. Yet for many, fury comes first. Fleet calls it “anger at the deceased for the breach of trust, and at themselves for grieving the death of someone who doesn’t deserve that kind of emotional investment”. It’s the primal response to a primal indignity: You lied to me. You tricked me.

George Bonanno, a professor at Columbia University reports that most shocks invite endless second-guessing and internal debate, which can block the healing process.  The range of emotions that come from loss serve to help us…endure. The sadness associated with loss draws our attention inward so that we can readjust our minds and recalibrate. For a few days or weeks we stop paying attention to the world around us and think. ..What is life going to be like without this person? But when sadness doesn’t run its course, people stay in a state of sadness for a long time. This leads to rumination, which leads to withdrawal, which then spirals downward into depression. You’re baffled and you keep playing things over in your mind trying to figure out why what happened happened. Rumination in turn causes more harm. Fleet says, it is far more productive to remember and focus on the life shared and the relationship as a whole, rather than on the unfortunate ‘surprise’ situation. But this perspective can’t be rushed.

According to Spring, true forgiveness can only occur when the offending party is willing to make meaningful repair. But in real life, for a lot of people, that isn’t always the case.  The person who hurt you could be unrepentant or self-righteous. They could be geographically inaccessible. They could have Alzheimer’s. They could be dead. In those situations, you have no obligation to forgive them, but you do have an obligation to heal yourself so that you don’t stay in a grudge state. Most people facing postmortem betrayal pursue some kind of forgiveness and feel that it’s a healing step.

Book Recommendations:

Stuck: Why We Can't (or Won't) Move On. Anneli Rufus

Widows Wear Stilettos: A Practical and Emotional Guide for the Young Widow. Carole Brody Fleet

How can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, The Freedom Not To. Janis Abraham Spring

Perfection, A Memoir. Julie Metz

Healing Family Rifts. Mark Sichel

The Other Side of Sadness: What the New Science of Bereavement Tells Us About Life After Loss. George Bonanno